Sunday, 6 May 2012

Cheryl Cole says, “I’m Too Busy For A Relationship”?

How busyness can prevent you from finding a romantic partner and if you are in a relationship, rob you of love and connection.

Celebrity Cheryl Cole said this week on a radio show that she was too busy for a relationship. While I’m sure she is very busy with her new album, I would guess that nothing would bring her more happiness than to be in a loving and supportive relationship. So what might be going on here? In this article I want to explore the issue of busyness in relationships. For those of you who are single I will look at how busyness will prevent you meeting and starting a relationship, and for those of us in a relationship I will look at how busyness can rob us of connection and feelings of love.

I cover the subject of busyness in dating in the Lovecoach section of my website but let’s look at the deeper issues here.  I know that when I was single, I could find all sorts of reasons why I was too busy to have a relationship. On the surface this seemed to be about placing my work and leisure interests ahead of having a romantic relationship, but deeper down (and with retrospect) I can see that there was something much more fundamental going on – I was avoiding the intimacy of a relationship because I unconsciously knew that it would force me to come face to face with my fears. By staying single, and distracting myself with busyness, I did not have to show up and take emotional risks. At the core of this was a fear of getting hurt – of being judged and rejected for who I was. I know this now, but at the time I was blind to this painful truth. If you are a busy single person, and you are struggling to find a partner or start a relationship, be honest and ask yourself if you have any of these same fears.  In the final paragraphs I will show you how to deal with them.

Busyness is also very common within relationships, as one or both partners rush around hectically with little or no time for connecting with their partner. Again, on the surface, it will appear that the rushing around is an inevitable consequence of a modern lifestyle. Work, homecare, children, family, community projects and leisure pursuits can leave us exhausted and with little quality time for our partners and spouses. We may become irritable and stressed, and this can cause great damage to our sex lives. But the deeper reason for this busyness is exactly the same as for the example of the single person above – we are afraid of true intimacy. The busyness allows us not to deal with the fears and insecurities that keep us at an emotional distance from our partners. In fact it creates the distance and then stops us from reducing it again.

So let’s deal with both cases. If you are often very busy and are single, or feel disconnected from your partner, ask yourself what it is that frightens you most about being in a romantic relationship. What is the worst thing that could happen and what feelings would this bring up? It is these feelings that you will protect by avoiding intimacy. Let’s say you could not stand the heartbreak and sadness of being let down or rejected. You will not venture yourself in any place where this could become a reality – so you will stay at a safe distance, as a single person or within your relationship. Now comes the fascinating and critical bit. Although you may be afraid of your insecurities, what has brought this about is the fact that you have a very big and emotionally sensitive heart. What you are really afraid of is opening your heart too much in case you venture yourself in love fully, and then get hurt if things go wrong.

This paradox lies (literally) at the heart of all relationship problems. To differing extents we are all afraid of our potential for love and open-heartedness. Getting busy is a way of distracting us from our true state of love and relationship. Being busy makes sure we do not find romantic happiness! Yes it’s a crazy way to react, but that is what we do in our relationships. Your loving heart is the greatest gift that you have, but you may have become convinced that it can hurt you. The way forward is therefore to take the risk of opening your heart and feeling into all your emotions. Make your partner, or finding a partner a priority in your life, and find the time to be completely present and connected. If you can do this you will find that the busyness falls away and a true partner will come into your life if you are single. If you are in a relationship, with an open and undefended heart you will make the choice for love and connection rather than busyness, and you will become much more happy and fulfilled.

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