How busyness can prevent you from finding a romantic partner and if you are in a relationship, rob you of love and connection.
Celebrity Cheryl Cole said this week on a radio show that
she was too busy for a relationship. While I’m sure she is very busy with her
new album, I would guess that nothing would bring her more happiness than to be
in a loving and supportive relationship. So what might be going on here? In
this article I want to explore the issue of busyness in relationships. For
those of you who are single I will look at how busyness will prevent you
meeting and starting a relationship, and for those of us in a relationship I
will look at how busyness can rob us of connection and feelings of love.
I cover the subject of busyness in dating in the Lovecoach
section of my website but let’s look at the deeper issues here. I know that when I was single, I could find
all sorts of reasons why I was too busy to have a relationship. On the surface
this seemed to be about placing my work and leisure interests ahead of having a
romantic relationship, but deeper down (and with retrospect) I can see that
there was something much more fundamental going on – I was avoiding the
intimacy of a relationship because I unconsciously knew that it would force me
to come face to face with my fears. By staying single, and distracting myself
with busyness, I did not have to show up and take emotional risks. At the core
of this was a fear of getting hurt – of being judged and rejected for who I
was. I know this now, but at the time I was blind to this painful truth. If you
are a busy single person, and you are struggling to find a partner or start a
relationship, be honest and ask yourself if you have any of these same
fears. In the final paragraphs I will
show you how to deal with them.
Busyness is also very common within relationships, as one or
both partners rush around hectically with little or no time for connecting with
their partner. Again, on the surface, it will appear that the rushing around is
an inevitable consequence of a modern lifestyle. Work, homecare, children,
family, community projects and leisure pursuits can leave us exhausted and with
little quality time for our partners and spouses. We may become irritable and
stressed, and this can cause great damage to our sex lives. But the deeper
reason for this busyness is exactly the same as for the example of the single
person above – we are afraid of true intimacy. The busyness allows us not to
deal with the fears and insecurities that keep us at an emotional distance from
our partners. In fact it creates the distance and then stops us from reducing
it again.
So let’s deal with both cases. If you are often very busy
and are single, or feel disconnected from your partner, ask yourself what it is
that frightens you most about being in a romantic relationship. What is the
worst thing that could happen and what feelings would this bring up? It is
these feelings that you will protect by avoiding intimacy. Let’s say you could
not stand the heartbreak and sadness of being let down or rejected. You will
not venture yourself in any place where this could become a reality – so you
will stay at a safe distance, as a single person or within your relationship.
Now comes the fascinating and critical bit. Although you may be afraid of your
insecurities, what has brought this about is the fact that you have a very big
and emotionally sensitive heart. What you are really afraid of is opening your
heart too much in case you venture yourself in love fully, and then get hurt if
things go wrong.
This paradox lies (literally) at the heart of all
relationship problems. To differing extents we are all afraid of our potential
for love and open-heartedness. Getting busy is a way of distracting us from our
true state of love and relationship. Being busy makes sure we do not find
romantic happiness! Yes it’s a crazy way to react, but that is what we do in
our relationships. Your loving heart is the greatest gift that you have, but
you may have become convinced that it can hurt you. The way forward is
therefore to take the risk of opening your heart and feeling into all your
emotions. Make your partner, or finding a partner a priority in your life, and
find the time to be completely present and connected. If you can do this you
will find that the busyness falls away and a true partner will come into your
life if you are single. If you are in a relationship, with an open and
undefended heart you will make the choice for love and connection rather than
busyness, and you will become much more happy and fulfilled.
